Lucius & Severus & the Mysteries of Haircare
by YeahSureOk
Summary: What do you do when an old friend turns up unexpectedly at your door? Let's rephrase that, an old friend, presumed dead?
1. Chapter 1

"No Draco! That's not right! Watch me. Right you walk in, pause and look at the people in the room or 'audience' and wait for it…the hair flick. Now you try." Lucius Malfoy turned round and looked at his son flicking his hair as he did so. "Come on Draco it's not hard, how are you ever going to impress people if you don't try, how are you ever going to get a girlfriend?"

"Dad! I've had girlfriends, and anyway I don't want a girlfriend at the moment."

"A boyfriend?" Lucius asked looking worried. At that moment the doorbell rang. "This is not over." Lucius left the room to answer the door as it rang again.

"I'm coming!" he growled impatiently as he opened the door. On the doorstep he was greeted by a mass of dark greasy hair hitting him in the face as the owner of the hair flicked it out of his dark, cold, beetle-like eyes. The man was tall and skinny with shoulder length greasy hair, a large hooked nose and sallow skin that looked like it never saw daylight.

Lucius gazed in awe at this mastery of the hair flicking technique. He opened his mouth to congratulate this individual but his jaw hung open in realization.

"Severus?!" exclaimed Lucius as he grabbed Severus around the middle in a bear like grip. "Snapeeeeyyyyyyy!" he squealed "I thought I'd never see you again! I heard you were dead!"

"Can I come inside?" Lucius received another mouthful of hair as Severus glanced nervously over his shoulder. "There were some rather vicious looking muggles following me for about half an hour. I think I shook them off, I had to go round the block a couple of times."

"Yes of course! Come in, come in! My wife is out at the moment and Draco is in the study. Take a seat in the lounge while I go and get us some drinks." Severus folded himself into an armchair and fixed his eyes on a picture of their Hogwarts class photograph. His eyes roved hungrily over the faces until he spotted the one he had been searching for, the beautiful face of a red-headed girl.

"Is coffee all right?" Lucius asked as he bustled back into the room and caught the direction of Severus's gaze. He winked knowingly, "Yes I did look good back then didn't I?" Severus nodded whilst Lucius poured his coffee. "So what's the story? We were all told that you were dead! The Dark Lord said that he had killed you. I was so upset. What really happened?"

"Well Lucius, I was never really on his side, Voldemort I mean. I was helping Dumbledore all along."

"Me too! Well I wasn't helping Dumbledore but I didn't really like Voldemort after he took and broke my wand. I was quietly plotting his downfall, in fact, when me and my wife served him dinner the other day it wasn't really 'spaghetti' on his plate."

"Yes I am sure that contributed to his downfall. Anyway at the time of my supposed 'death' it wasn't actually me. You see sometimes I used an impostor to pretend to be me using polyjuice potion and help Voldemort whilst I helped Dumbledore."

"Severus? Are you saying you were with Dumbledore at the time of your supposed death? And it was an impostor that died instead? I thought Dumbledore was dead? Is no one around here dead anymore?!"

"Well yes…and no. An impostor did die instead of me but I wasn't with Dumbledore. He is really dead."

"Where were you then?" Lucius cried.

Severus looked uncomfortable, "I was at an emergency hair appointment, I had a rather nasty lice infestation that needed to be seen to immediately."

"I understand." Lucius said patting Severus's hand consolingly. "Actually on the subject of hair I have a little proposition for you.

"You see for a while now I have been thinking of setting up my own business. My inspiration: greasy haired muggles. You know when you walk down a muggle street and see those untidy locks and you just feel sorry for them? They all have inferior hair products that never seem to have any effect on them and I was thinking, what if I created a hair product with the magic of wizards but for muggles. Now the thing is I cannot make these products by myself. I have no degree in potions so I cannot make these. I need somebody to experiment and create these hair products and you seem to be the perfect person for the job, until I heard you were dead….but now that I know you're not, would you like to join me in this quest?"

"Where would we sell these hair products?"

"We would be door to door salesmen! And it's perfect because you wouldn't have to explain to anyone why you are not dead! It's brilliant! Please Severus would you help an old friend?" Lucius looked pleadingly into Severus's eyes and stretched out his hand.

Severus took it and said quietly, "Yes old friend, anything for you."


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay," Severus said, "I've made all the ones you asked me to: dry hair, coloured hair, greasy hair…"

"And I've finished making the bottles," Lucius interrupted shoving a white bottle under Severus's large hooked nose. "Let's get started then."

The duo worked in companiable silence scooping product after product into the never ending supply of bottles. Severus paused for some time reading the shampoo bottle for greasy hair.

"Lucius I've been thinking….Don't we need to…you know…test these products somehow?" He trailed off at the end of the sentence.

"No I've already tested them, come in Draco!" Severus looked up and shielded his eyes from the glow that was Draco's hair. It was so shiny that he could almost see his reflection in it. "As you can see," Lucius continued, "I think these products work exceptionally well. What do you think Draco?"

"Well this will certainly impress Harry," Draco murmured gazing longingly into a mirror. "I mean Harriet! Harriet will love this, not Harry!" Draco laughed nervously noticing his Father's worried expression. "Harriet's a girl, in my class. I'll just go now." He ran off plunging the room into darkness once more.

"That was odd." Lucius scoffed. "I mean, yes, Harry's good looking, but he's got nothing on Ron."

"Can I just use the shampoo now?" Snape said dryly, raising one eyebrow.

"Whatever for?" Lucius asked.

"I think you've noticed that my hair is greasy! Do you think I've not heard you and Voldemort discussing how I should wash once in a while. And your jokes about me to try and impress the other Death Eaters?!" Severus stormed out of the room grabbing a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner both for greasy hair on his way out.

-A while later-

Lucius stood at the bottom of the stairs watching Severus descend looking quite happy. It was odd to see a smile of happiness on Severus's face, kind of like watching a Dementor giving someone a friendly hug.

"It's brilliant! Look!" Severus flicked his hair effortlessly out of his face. "No more flat, limp hair for me! I now have volume!" Noticing the look on Lucius's face Severus stopped. "What is the matter with you?"

"Well, the thing is, because we were Death Eaters, we are known to be dangerous to muggles so if we step foot into the muggle world then the Ministry might find us. I mean it won't be straight away, we're not the most important thing to them at the moment. They're still trying to dump Voldemort's body. Last thing I heard they threw it in the sea off the coast of America. Next day it had washed up on the shores of Blackpool, covered in seaweed and other…waste. They had to wipe the minds of so many muggles – mass hysteria. I mean imagine being on a donkey ride on Blackpool beach and seeing the dead body of a bald 70 odd year old snakelike man in a black cloak come flying at you out of the sea. They say the donkey fainted with the person still on his back.

"Anyway so if they know that we are in the muggle world they will think that we are a danger to muggle's and we might end up in Azkaban."

"So what are we going to do?" Severus asked worriedly. "I mean they all think I'm dead, what can we do?"


	3. Chapter 3

Ten minutes later they were outside a muggle agency with big letters proclaiming "Need a New Name?" from above the door. Severus and Lucius stepped inside and looked around. Then they noticed that everyone else was in muggle clothes, they were wearing long black robes and cloaks.

"I think after we have changed our names," breathed Severus into Lucius's ear, "we need to buy some muggle clothes."

"I think we change our names over there." Lucius said pointing at five booths at the front of the room. They stepped into the queue for the fourth booth and waited.

They stood together in silence and observed everyone else in the room. Severus looked at the man in front of them. He looked familiar. He had dark brown shoulder length wavy hair and was dressed in red Hawaiian shorts, a black long sleeve t-shirt, brown sandals and odd socks. It might have been his clothes but Severus immediately noticed the man's untidiness. A few muggles were giving him funny looks but he didn't seem to care. He had a very large light brown moustache and as he got to the front of the queue it slipped a couple of centimetres down his face. He filled in a white form and pushed it towards the man in the booth.

"What do you want to change your name to?" the man asked.

"Sirius White," he said adjusting his moustache, "No no wait, Serious White." Severus noticed a wand sticking out of the man's pocket. He was just about to tell Lucius when-

"Next!" Severus and Lucius hurried towards the booth. They filled out the form the man gave them quickly when the man asked Severus what he would like to change his name to. Severus realised he hadn't even thought about it.

"Well I want something beginning with S and I want to keep the surname Snape," Severus said, names running through his mind. "Steve, Shaun, Stuart?" he asked Lucius.

"None of them do you any justice," Lucius replied. "You have to think outside the box. Something new, something imaginative, something different. Like Suave Snape or even Saucy." These suggestions were greeted by a cold look from Severus and Lucius quickly suggested, "What about Sexy? That could work seeing as we sell haircare products."

Severus thought it over. "Sexy Snape," he muttered, "Yes that could work."

Next it was Lucius's turn. Severus asked if he needed any help deciding his name but Lucius assured him that he had already made his mind up.

Sexy Snape and Luscious Malfoy emerged from the agency looking very happy. They headed off towards the muggle high street and started to look in the clothes shops. Luscious started looking in the women's section not realizing he was in it until Sexy dragged him out of in pointing at the sign. They quickly left that shop.

Two long hours and 20 shops later Luscious and Sexy arrived at Luscious's house exhausted but content. Sexy went into the lounge whilst Luscious went into the kitchen. Sexy sat down in the same armchair that he had sat in that morning. In his mind he went through the day's events…arriving at Lucius's house, being told about his plan, changing their names, buying clothes and now arriving back at Luscious's house. Sexy couldn't stop thinking about the man in front of them at "Need a New Name?" He looked extremely familiar, but Sexy couldn't quite place him. His eyes roved the wall, as they had done that morning, fixing on the Hogwarts photograph. He found the red-haired girl again and smiled sadly to himself. Then he noticed the boy standing next to her. He had black untidy hair that stuck up at the back and glasses. Sexy moved towards the photograph and glared at the boy, "James Potter," he growled. "Oh and look all you're little friends next to you. You thought you were so tough but you're all dead," he spat.

Something made him stop. He looked at the photograph realization dawning on his face as he hurriedly took a quill out of his pocket.

"What do you think you are doing?" Luscious yelled as he came back into the room. He put his tray down on the table and ran over to Sexy, but it was too late. Sexy had already drawn a moustache on the smiling face next to James Potter. Luscious looked from Sexy to the photograph then back to the photograph.

"Do you realize who that man was? The one in front of us in the queue at "Need a New Name? I thought he looked strangely familiar, and I noticed that he had a wand sticking out of his pocket. Well this is your answer." Sexy prodded the photograph and Luscious took it from him.

"Not Sirius Black? Surely not. It can't have been. I mean, he's dead, I saw him die with my own two eyes." Luscious stuttered.

"Well the man surely looked like him. He must have been a wizard because he had a wand. And he changed his name to 'Serious White'. Doesn't that sound like Sirius Black? He could have been changing his name because everyone thinks he's dead, like me," Sexy finished quietly.

"So what do we do?" Luscious asked.

"We sell shampoo. Oh and one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Do I really have to call you Luscious?"

"Damn right, Sexy."


	4. Chapter 4

"Ding-Dong!" rang the doorbell of house number 18 on Keedle Street.

"Remember," Luscious whispered, "Big cheesy grins and the old failsafe. The Hair flick."

An old muggle opened the door and was met by a blur of black and white-blond hair.

"Hello! Are you tired of all those hair products that claim to give you manageable glossy hair but let you down? Well don't be anymore try-" Luscious broke off noticing the look on the man's face and the lack of hair above it. The man flexed his arm muscles and wielded his walking stick menacingly. They slowly backed out of his front gate before he could do too much damage with that walking stick.

"Well that didn't go exactly as planned." Luscious murmured.

"Yes, let's hope the people in the next house have hair," said Sexy icily.

They knocked on the door of the next house and were greeted by a woman in her early forties. Luscious and Sexy flicked their perfectly styled hair and bared their teeth at the woman in (what they hoped were) winning smiles.

"Hello! Are you tired of all those hair products that claim to give you manageable glossy hair but let you down? Well don't be anymore try "Hair Pocus!" The first range of hair products with a touch of magic. Guaranteed to give you the 'Luscious Look'!"

Sexy looked angrily at Luscious. He thought quickly and chimed in, "and help you maintain that 'Sexy Style'."

They both looked up at the woman wearing beaming smiles each brandishing a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. But the woman's gaze was not on the shampoo. She was twirling her hair and batting her eyelashes in Sexy's direction. Sexy looked nervous.

"So what's your name then? Is it Sexy?" she joked.

"How did you know?!" he yelled. She looked shocked so he said, "I mean, yes it is. We cannot stay long but if you buy our product we can hopefully come back tomorrow."

"Smooth move," hissed Luscious as they walked down the path after their very first sale.

A few houses and two sales later they arrived on Joker Road. Luscious knocked on the door and it swung open to reveal a man. He resembled Sirius Black.

"Can I help you?" he asked Sexy and Luscious. The man seemed to recognize the two wizards and a look of alarm passed over his face. He quickly felt his upper lip as though he was missing something. "Excuse me a moment."

The man went back inside and returned a minute later. He had managed to grow a very large light brown slightly askew moustache in the short time he had been gone. He straightened it as Luscious launched into his hair products speech.

"If you let us come inside we can show you the magic of "Hair Pocus!" It will only take a few minutes." Sexy offered. He had to know if this man really was Sirius Black. And if so why was he not dead.

The man looked nervously past Sexy and Luscious down the street and quickly led Sexy and Luscious into his house. He led them into his living room which looked quite large compared to the size of his house.

"I knew you would be here. I have a message for you."

"We have a few questions for you." Sexy replied looking at Luscious. "Are you Sirius Black now calling yourself Serious White? And if you are then why are you alive? We all thought that you were dead!"

"If you sit down I can tell you all you need to know," the man said gesturing to two large chairs. He left the room and returned a few minutes later he returned carrying a map and a large branch with leaves sticking off it in all directions. It looked like it had been pulled straight off a tree outside. "This is all you will need," he tipped the map and branch onto Luscious's lap and looked between Sexy and Luscious for a few minutes.

"Well?" Sexy growled impatiently.

"As I am sure you already know that I was in Azkaban for a crime I did not commit. I escaped a few years ago and as you know two years later I died."

"If you died how come you are here?" Luscious asked.

"I died in your past. I will die in my future. When I escaped Azkaban I heard of a plot to make terrible things happen. Those things are about to happen now. You two are the only people able to stop them."

"How did you get here?" Sexy asked.

"I trust you have both heard of the legendary "tempus temporis"?" He looked to Sexy and Luscious who both nodded. "When I escaped from Azkaban Cornelius Fudge, who was Minister of Magic back then, came to se my cell. He didn't believe that I had escaped until he'd seen it with his own eyes. Anyway, I noticed him entering Azkaban as I was leaving and noticed a large gold pocket watch dangling from a chain that he was holding. I grabbed hold of it and ran for my life-"

"Wait, you escaped from Azkaban, ran past the Minister of Magic and stole his watch, all without being caught and taken back inside?" said Sexy raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, you see I am an Animagus, I can transform myself into a large black dog. But at the time of my escape I was extremely skinny, skinny enough to slip through the bars of my cell. Being black helped as well, I could blend into the shadows. Fudge was talking to someone at the time and there were two Dementors near by so I don't think he was concentrating on the watch. So I took it thinking it might be worth something so I could sell it and get some money, whether in the muggle or wizarding world. Later on, on closer examination of the watch I noticed something odd. There was an extra button at the side and it had Latin words written all around the edge. So I clicked the button and found myself somewhere else, somewhere completely different, somewhere I'd never been before. I found a newspaper on the ground and noticed the date was five years in the future. Then I realized the watch that I had stolen can take the owner to the future. It was the "tempus temporis". It is passed down from Minister to Minister so they can sort out major problems. I believe it was part of the reason that Voldemort wanted a member of his company as Minister? Owning that would have made him truly unbeatable.

"I've talked for too long. You two need to use this portkey," he gestured to the branch. "It will leave in a few minutes. Then you need to follow the map. It will take you to a man. He will tell you what to do next. Good luck." Serious shook both of their hands and left the room.

"This has certainly been an odd day," Sexy remarked as he and Luscious felt the familiar tug of the portkey around their navels.


	5. Chapter 5

Luscious and Sexy hit the ground with a thud. They looked around them and saw that they were in a dark forest filled with trees, bushes and other leafy foliage. They heard twigs snap and saw a dark shape moving towards them. Sexy felt Luscious move closer to him. Sexy lit the end of his wand. A squirrel popped out from behind a tree and they instantly relaxed. The squirrel was quite cute and was holding a cheese sandwich in its hands. It beckoned to Sexy and Luscious and they began to follow it through the dense undergrowth.

"We lost the squirrel!" Luscious shouted suddenly. They whirled around and could see no squirrel anywhere. They had lost it. Luscious picked something up off the floor, "but I found his cheese sandwich-"

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!" a large, fat man flung himself at Luscious from a nearby tree squashing him flat. Sexy watched amusedly as the fat man fought for his cheese sandwich and Luscious fought to get free from underneath his large bulk.

"Sorry," the man said straightening up; which took some time considering his enormous stomach. "Force of habit. You can't be too careful with the sandwiches round here, I think that's one of the only safe ones. Come on." He led them into a clearing which had a little hut in the centre. They entered the hut which had posters around the walls saying "une baguette avec CHEESE!" They showed a family eating rather large cheese sandwiches with big, cheesy grins on their faces. Underneath the family, written in tiny letters said, 'produced and sponsored by the Quidditch World Cup Federation.'

"Oh I forgot it's the World Cup." Sexy said. "You know with 'dying' and all that."

"Yes the Quidditch World Cup. Now hosted in France! You are right next to the Stadium." As soon as he said these words the Stadium popped into existence close-by. Neither Sexy nor Luscious had noticed it before given the fact that there were so many secrecy charms on it.

"I don't get it. What happened to the squirrel? What's the plot to make terrible things happen? What's wrong with cheese sandwiches? What's this map for? I think I need to sit down." Luscious collapsed into a conveniently placed chair located right behind him.

"I was the squirrel. I am an Animagus. The plot to make terrible things happen involves the cheese sandwiches and that map should lead you to the headquarters of the people plotting it. That's why I was so obsessive of that cheese sandwich before, it's one of the only safe ones left, you see…."The man was overcome with grief as tears filled his small eyes, "the cheese sandwiches are being poisoned."

Luscious and Sexy gasped in unison. "Why!" they exclaimed.

"Well as you can see on this poster it's the work of the World Cup Federation, everyone on the other team will eat the sandwiches and be too ill to play. They've poisoned all cheese sandwiches, just to make sure, they say the one behind it has gone mad with power. You two need to follow the map to stop this most heinous crime! Good luck!"

He opened the door and Sexy and Luscious squeezed past him into the open air. The air was fresh after the overwhelming body odour of the fat man, and they felt optimistic about the quest that lay ahead of them. They set off following the map and soon were in a small village. They tried to remain inconspicuous by creeping around corners and taking shortcuts through dark alleyways, they didn't keep this up for long as the dark gave Luscious the "heebie-jeebies".

"This is odd," murmured Sexy, some time later. "The map says we have arrived."

They gazed around the empty, long abandoned town square and couldn't see any building like that on the map.

"Oh no, I can't see any 35 Oeuf Route, Vieux Ville-" Luscious murmured as a house sprung up from the ground in front of them. It was a large foreboding looking French mansion with large, stone, gargoyle statues whose eyes glared at Sexy and Luscious. There was a plaque on the front gate reading, "Maison de Mal."

"This house wasn't here a minute ago," Luscious muttered "I'm sure it wasn't. It wasn't there was it Sexy? "Maison de Mal"? That sounds nice."

"Maybe you need your eyes testing. And maybe you need to learn French. Come on." Sexy dragged Luscious inside the gate. As they walked down the garden path they noticed the gargoyle statues were no longer at the front gate. In fact the gargoyles had now moved to block the front door.

"How do we get round them?" asked Luscious as they reached the door.

"Password?" said the smaller of the stone gargoyles in a gravely tone.

"Maison de Mal?" Luscious suggested receiving a very cold look from Sexy. "Maybe not, then."

Sexy looked at the map, looking for anything on it that could aid them to get inside. No secret entrance. No hint at the password. Nothing. He racked his brains. It should be something French-

"Une baguette," Luscious cried vainly, whilst Sexy pondered.

"Quiet," he instructed. French words, French words. When did he learn French? That Summer after his second year at Hogwarts. Lily had taught him. He tried to think of some words that would be of use to him. Wait, maybe-

"Fromage?" the word sounded stupid even to him. "Fromage," he repeated strongly as the gargoyles moved away from the door, grumbling angrily.

Sexy and Luscious stepped inside.


	6. Chapter 6

Sexy and Luscious stepped gingerly into the hallway of this vast mansion as though they were expecting someone to jump out of a nearby suit of armour and ambush them. It was dark inside the house, and the hallway they were walking down had no doors leading off it. There were no stairs either, but from the outside the house had looked like it had had at least three floors. Suits of armour were stationed every now and again against the walls, each had a weapon it its hand, like a sword or a mace.

"Is this the only room in the house? Oh and how did you know the password? Sexy?"

But Sexy was not listening. He had walked over to the nearest suit of armour and was studying it closely.

"What are you doing?" Luscious hurried over and peered at the statue. Suddenly the statue reached out and, just missing Sexy, grabbed Luscious by the hair. He began to squeal in pain.

"I guess you didn't notice," Sexy said softly, "that as soon as you started speaking, every suit of armour in this place looked at you raising its weapon? Didn't think so. Now if my assumptions are correct, the other rooms in this house should be behind these suits of armour." He pointed his wand at the suit of armour holding Luscious by the hair, said "Relashio," and it let go. "So how do we get past them?"

As he was pondering how to get past the suits of armour, the suit of armour directly in front of them lowered its weapon and all the suits of armour in the hall said in unison in voices like rusty metal, "I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet. I am jelly. What am I?"

"Oooh a riddle?" Luscious yelled excitedly. "Can I answer? Chee-"

"Jelly, you idiot. It's jelly." Sexy interrupted.

All the suits of armour stood to attention and moved to one side creakily. Oak double doors appeared on the wall which they had been leaning on. The doors opened upon a dark and ominous looking passageway, Sexy cast his wand light around, "It's clear" he murmured and stepped boldly into the passageway.

"GARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH" A strange high pitched war cry echoed in the passageway as small, electric blue figures flung themselves at Luscious and Sexy. 

"EEEEEKKKK" screeched Luscious as he looked down at the teaming mass of creatures that covered him from head to toe. "Oh, there only Cornish Pixies, ha, ha, ha- OW!" his laughter turned into a scream as one pixie, seeming to recognise an insult, tugged sharply on his precious hair.

Sexy saw this and shook several pixies off his arm, freed his wand hand and pointed his wand at the little pests. "Impedimenta!"he yelled. Several of the pixies let go and stopped in mid-air. Luscious saw what Sexy was doing and followed suit. Jets of light bounced off the walls and soon the floor was covered in a blue carpet of twitching pixies. They reached the end of the corridor and opened another ornate door onto the narrow stairway beyond. Now safely on the other side, Luscious beamed at Sexy and raised his hand, waiting for a high five.

"Go team!" he crowed happily, to accompany the gesture. Sexy stared, coldly at Luscious in disapproval and shook his head sadly. He opened his mouth to speak but a loud BANG from above pushed the idea firmly out of his mind.

"OW! I dropped another crate of cheese on my foot!!!" said a muffled voice from the same direction.

"Not again Bert! The Boss won't be happy if anything happens to that cheese!!"

"Something tells me we're heading in the right direction," Sexy whispered. The masters of hair care climbed the stairway stealthily and reached, yet another, set of double doors.

"Wait," advised Luscious before Sexy could enter the adjoining room. Sexy turned and looked at Luscious as he reached into his pocket and withdrew two pairs of Extendable Ears.

"Well done," remarked Sexy in awe. "That's the first good idea you've had all day." They pressed the ears against the door and listened. Sexy estimated there were about five people in the room, four of them, his ears detected, moving crates. He kept hearing odd noises and soon realised one man, not working, was laughing in the characteristic way of evil masterminds. Sexy and Luscious jumped as another large BANG sounded from behind the door. The laughter stopped abruptly. An eerie silence filled the room and the people inside waited with baited breath.

"What happened?" said a scarily familiar voice that, behind the authority, seemed to be on the verge of hysterical laughter once more.

"I dropped some cheese," came a meek voice which could have been Bert's.

"Oh," this voice belonged to the man who was obviously the boss. His state of calmness broke. "NEVER DROP THE CHEESE!! IS THIS WHAT I'M PAYING YOU FOR TO MESS WITH THE WONDOROUS DAIRY PRODUCT THAT IS CHEESE? GO OUTSIDE AND THINK OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!"

Hurried footsteps left the room. And the 'boss' was now quite alone. Sexy burst in cast the "Muffliato" spell repeatedly at the backs of the retreating men and shot the spell "Incarcerous"at the boss to tie him up in thick ropes. He struggled and tried to call for help but Luscious held him down. The man was quite old and scarred with a grizzled beard. His eyes were bulging in fury and his jaw was twitching like mad. He gave the impression that his mental health was a bit unstable. Sexy knew he had to get some answers so he took a bottle of what appeared to be normal shampoo in his pocket and poured it down the villain's throat.

"What's that?" Luscious asked looking puzzled.

"Veritaserum," he glanced at Luscious's puzzled expression "That's truth serum to you, I always carry a bottle."

"What's your name?" he said, now addressing the man.

"Crazy Chops Charlie." He replied before he could stop himself.

Luscious gasped, "You're Mad Eye Moody's brother!" Sexy now knew where he'd seen the man before. He had accompanied Mad Eye many times on visits to the Order as he too had become a member. Of course that was before he had mysteriously disappeared.

"So you were an Auror with your brother weren't you?" Crazy Chops nodded. "Then what happened?"

"I never really enjoyed being an Auror it was something my parents made me do." He revealed in a voice as grizzled as his beard. "I saw some awful things on that job so I had to escape. And then…." He paused as his jaw twitched uncontrollably. "It was my brother. My brilliant brother, with all his smarts and his magic eye. He drove me to evil!!!" Crazy Chops roared and struggled against his bindings. After he had been calmed down the "evil genius" resumed his tale. "I was relaxing after a hard day at work with my favourite snack, a cheese sandwich, when the doorbell rang! I got back and he was eating it!!!! My beloved cheese sandwich!!!"

Luscious looked around the room. He had not noticed the crates marked 'cheese' on one side of the room nor the crates marked 'baguettes'. He then saw large bottles with 'poison' inscribed on the side. There were also several finished cheese/poison sandwiches lying around. "What does this have to do with Quidditch?" asked Luscious, "why poison the players?"

Suddenly Sexy realised. "The Italians!!! Mad Eye loved that team! He always supported them in the World Cup because England never got through!" Crazy chops nodded vigorously.

"But normal people would have been killed too!" exclaimed Luscious.

"So? What do I care! I'm Crazy!"

At this point Sexy signalled Luscious and pointing their wands at Crazy Chops said in unison.

"OBLIVIATE!" A jet of light hit Crazy Chops in the chest and Sexy untied him. The former villain looked around blearily.

"Oh look! A sandwich! I wonder what's in it. Why it's cheese!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cried Sexy and Luscious as Charlie took one big bite.


	7. Chapter 7

"Ahhh, you know what? I think I'm getting a bit old for this Luscious," Sexy remarked as he dusted his "_Detective of the year" _award.

"Nonsense! You're only 57! You're in your prime! And anyway there are many more mysteries out there! I mean how many cases have we already solved? There was the Case of the Cheese Sandwiches, that case with the mysterious disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle and that terrible Curse of the Deadly Mallows-"

"That was only because you did not read the best before date on that pack of marshmallows!! That was not a deadly curse!"

"Yes, and you saved me by making me that amazing cure. But what I'm saying is that we make a great team. You can't give up now! A new case has just come through, from Mrs G. Potter herself. Seems her and Harry are having a few problems. You can't give up on me now, Sexy," Luscious begged.

"Okay, okay. One last case, then I'm done. Send an owl to Mrs Potter. We will be over to her in an hour."

-One hour later-

"What ever is the matter Mrs Potter?" Sexy inquired.

"Call me Ginny. I first started noticing problems soon after Albus Severus's 15th birthday. Harry was supposed to pick up Albus' birthday present, you know a _LightningStrike200_ but he "forgot!" He did not have any other plans so I can't understand it! He eventually turned up five hours late for the party with a toy train set meant for muggle children! Honestly! Do you think a boy of 15 would want that?"

"I wouldn't say no," Luscious commented whilst receiving a disapproving glare from Sexy.

"Well, that was what started my worries. Harry has been acting oddly for a while. He's been disappearing mysteriously for days on end and acting like there's nothing wrong with it! When I ask him where he's been he won't say a word. It's driving me crazy! I want to know where he goes and why he feels he can't tell me. Sometimes I think he has another woman, but if he does he should just leave, instead of hurting me and the children." Ginny looked up at Sexy and Luscious and pleaded, "Please can you find out where Harry goes? I need your help; there are no other detectives as talented as you in this country."

Sexy and Luscious stood up, each flicking their hair over their shoulders as they did so. "We will do our best." Sexy told her as they left the house, "But I'm not promising anything."

"So what do we do know?" Asked Luscious, bouncing around like a little kid who has eaten too many sweets.

"We sit, and we wait." Sexy grabbed hold of Luscious' arm and dragged him around the corner of a large building, facing the Potters' home.

Sexy and Luscious lay in wait for what seemed like days on end. After a while they noticed an anorak clad man with unruly hair and broken glasses hurrying out of the Potters' home.

"Got 'im," Sexy breathed with a sinister smile and he and Luscious crept out from the corner in which they had hidden. They followed the man down the street, always maintaining a Hagrid sized gap between themselves and their prey.

They followed him for about half an hour, stopping once when the man perused a window for a glasses shop with signs reading _"When the sun changes position, reach for transitions!" _and _"For fun and games, try horn-rimmed frames!" _ Finally they reached King's Cross station, and followed the man over to the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

"What are you up to, Potter?" Sexy asked under his breath.

"Maybe he's going to Hogwarts!" Luscious yelled, attracting the attention of many muggles and causing Sexy to drag him behind a large luggage trolley.

They watched the man for over two hours; he was walking up and down the platform, staring hungrily at the trains. Suddenly, he was gone. Disappeared.

"Did he disapparate?" Luscious asked him and Sexy rushed over to the spot in which he had been.

"Probably." Sexy muttered, as he bent down to retrieve a pair of binoculars which were lying abandoned on the floor. On the binoculars was a large red sticker which said in a deep voice, "If found please return IMMEDIATELY to 163 Locomotive Lane, Toy Set, Shady County."


	8. Chapter 8

Sexy and Luscious apparated to the address and found themselves in front of a small, run down looking shack. It looked as though it could collapse at any moment. The house was made out of wood and the front door looked slightly askew. Sexy smirked to himself; the great Harry Potter could only afford a tiny wooden shack.

"This is the right place, isn't it?" Luscious asked, looking slightly confused.

"Must be. We apparated directly to the address. Guess we should enter." Sexy gave Luscious a grin and pushed open the door to the shack. It looked like he'd given it a little too hard a shove, as the door wobbled for a second on its hinges then fell to the ground with a crash. Sexy looked up, enjoying the moment a little too much.

"I think he'll realise we're here…" Luscious murmured worriedly as himself and Sexy explored the shack. It had one corridor on the ground floor, with just one door leading off it to a kitchen. The two of them quickly scaled the stairs and on the upstairs landing, they noticed a very similar layout to downstairs; one door. The door was locked. The door had a nameplate.

They inched closer to the door and peered at the nameplate. It was extremely dusty.

"Harry Potter…" Luscious read, "Figures." He looked up at Sexy. "Shall we enter?" He raised his hand to push open the door, but Sexy stopped him. He was examining the nameplate. He breathed shortly onto it, blowing some of the dust off.

"Harry Spotter…" Luscious read. "How odd. Is that his real name? Has he been fooling everyone all his life with Potter? Or is this not his shack?" Luscious rambled, looking crazily around.

"Wait a minute…there's more dust," Sexy murmured, blowing more off.

"Harry Rainspotter?" Luscious exclaimed with disbelief. "What's that supposed to mean? Does he watch the rain? Does he collect rain? I don't get it."

"Hold your horses, Luscious. There's more dust…"

They gasped in surprise…

Our heroes burst into the upper storey room, almost knocking another door off its hinges. The man at the desk looked up in shock, dropping the object he was holding, as the pair took in the tiny room and its ornaments.

"What in the world? Mr Malfoy? Snape? Aren't you dead? I saw you die…" The man jumped to his feet and spluttered sentences at them.

"No, no we're Sexy and Luscious. We have come to return your binoculars and to ask you a few questions, Mr Trainspotter..."

"SEXY! Come and have a look at this!" Sexy rushed over to where Luscious was standing and gazed at the picture he held in his hands. It was a photograph of the Potter family; Harry, Ginny and their children. However, whilst Harry waved up at them with a huge grin on his face, the rest of the family were fighting to peer around a large object that had been stuck over their faces on the photograph.

Sexy held the photo up to Harry. "Please would you explain all this, Mr Trainspotter," he gestured around the room at the many models and photos of trains. "And please, tell me why you have stuck a picture of the Hogwart's Express over your family in this photograph."

Harry looked nervously between Sexy and Luscious; he sighed, and then sunk into his chair, defeated. "Very well," he started. "I'll tell you all.

"I'm a train enthusiast, a "Train Spotter" if you will. I love them, the way they're built, the fact they can run without magic, just how impressive they are. I fear Ginny and the children will not share my passion. I'm scared that if people find out about my…erm…interests, I will be looked down upon and mocked. As though being interested in trains is embarrassing! Ha! Haa!!" He sneaked a quick look up to Sexy and Luscious, hoping they felt the same way he did. It was clear they didn't. It was clear they thought what other people would think, that Harry Potter was a big geek.

"Anyway, I have removed all my train memorabilia from the house so that my family will not find out. I spend all my free time here and at the station, watching trains. I guess my interest in trains first started when I rode the Hogwarts Express the first time. I love that train." He glanced at the photograph. "I remember in my second year flying above that train, watching it snake its way through the valley. It was so impressive, so powerful. I made some great sketches that day. I still have them; I used some to complete my collage." He pulled out a giant piece of paper from under the desk. It was covered in little photographs & sketches of trains, making up a big picture of the Hogwart's Express.

Sexy and Luscious nodded in unison, very understanding. Both thinking the same thing. Both wanting to get out of this shack and get home. Both wondering if fame had finally gone to Harry's head. Luscious was the first to speak, surprising everyone.

"Why have you got "Harry Trainspotter" on the nameplate on your door?"

"Because I changed my name to it. I'm in a club for Train Spotters, and that is the way we show that we are passionate about trains… THEY understand me..."

"Right, Mr Trainspotter. I think you need to get home and explain to your family what you've been up to and where you go. They should be understanding and accept it as part of you." Sexy told him, trying to put an end to the whole affair. Harry got up slowly, clearly dreading explaining himself to Ginny. The three of them apparated together to the Potter household, Sexy & Luscious patiently listened as Harry explained himself to his family. They didn't take it as bad as Sexy had expected, but he could see that the smile on Ginny's face was just a little forced, but she seemed genuinely pleased that her husband had returned home and was now being honest. She wouldn't stop thanking him and Luscious, keeping piling homemade cakes and biscuits onto them, which Luscious never refused.

"See?" Luscious said to Sexy when they had left the Potters' house. "This job isn't so bad. There's a lot of perks and we get paid well."

"Yes, but I can't take anymore stupid relationship problems. I'm getting out of this business and living quietly somewhere away from all this hassle."

Luscious shuffled awkwardly. "I'll miss you Sexy," he looked up, hoping for a similar sentence from Sexy but receiving nothing. Just a blank look. "But, if you wanted, we have plenty of spare rooms in our house, I mean, it's huge. So, if you wanted, you could come live with us…"

Sexy nodded. Suddenly Luscious' arms were flung around him and he cautiously patted him on the head.

"Oh Sexy. We'll be roommates! We're going to have so much fun!!"

-The End-


End file.
